That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
