Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
His nipple licking is glorious
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