Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
