I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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