It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
