I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
