My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
