he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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