the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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