so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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