How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
