Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
