mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
