is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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