I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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