Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My cat gives me a boner
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
