can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
