I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
