it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
