I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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