stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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