I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
