clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
sarcasm needs its own font
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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