I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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