its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
3pm strippers are depressing
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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