Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
