I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
