By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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