Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
