I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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