Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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