I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Jerry, you need to find god
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
