News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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