All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I will be naked everywhere
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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