I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
