A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
