I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
