Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
