Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
