there's paper in my vomit.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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