sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
