Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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