dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Randomize
