i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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