What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He has the fingertips of a God
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