I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
