Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
