i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
