Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
