Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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