Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
